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sillys
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took the shell off my racing snail to make him go faster just made him slugish
what do you do if an irishman throws a pin at you
run like **** hes got a grenade in his mouth
men have all thier best ideas when making love couldn't work out why
wife recons its because they are pluged into a genius
This post was edited by lammiki at March 25, 2011 6:25:52 PM GMT -
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An American fighter plane was flying over Afghanistan when he
noticed a flying carpet on each side of his plane, both with
a machine gunner on board.
Sensing danger he shot them down.
Back at base he got a right bollocking – apparently they were Allied Carpets.
..... .... . . . . . . . . . ..
I was driving to work this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.
. .. . ... . . . . . . . . ..
On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign saying ‘English speaking Doctor’.
I thought;
“What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country.”
. .. . ... . . . . . . . . ..
The police came to my door last night holding a picture of my wife.
"Is this your wife sir?" said the officer.
"Yes it is" I replied.
"I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident" said the Officer...
"I know" I said, "but she has a lovely personality!"
. .. . . . . . . . . . . ..
Woke up this morning a bit late, about 8:15 ish. Called down to the wife and got no answer.
Got up and went downstairs to the kitchen and there she was,
Face down on the floor. Dead!
At that moment I completely lost it, my whole world fell apart, tears were welling in my eyes...............
Then a moment of pure inspiration.........
....McDonalds do Breakfast until 10:30 !
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Two women were talking. "Do you look at your husband's face when you have sex?"
"I did once & he looked really angry."
"Why angry?"
Because he was watching through the window.!
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Last night I got so drunk that when I got to the bottom of the stairs, I took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers and underwear.
Then I crept upstairs very quietly, so as not to wake the kids or my other half.
It was only when I got to the very top I realised I was still on the bus home.
. .. . . . . . . . . . . .
The government has announced that for the new school curriculum, boys are going to study the workings of the female mind.
The lessons, however, will be changed on an hourly basis!
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After a bike crash one of the riders is lying injured at the side of the road. 'Don't worry,' said a policeman, a Red Cross nurse is coming to attend to you.'
Oh no,' groaned the victim, 'couldn't I have a blonde, cheerful one?'"So I was getting on my scooter, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
My wife wanted a foreign convertible, so I bought her a rickshaw
Men are like a pack of cards, you need a heart to love them, a diamond to marry them, a club to batter them, and a spade to bury them.
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